


Goodbyes

by ABrighterDarkness



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), M/M, Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson is So Done, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23823835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABrighterDarkness/pseuds/ABrighterDarkness
Summary: “You’re leaving,” Sam said pointedly. “You barely say a word to me since you got us all back and you’re already planning on leaving. I had a feeling it was something like that as soon as I heard what the plan was. Barnes seems to be having the same suspicions. You’re leaving us.”
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Comments: 17
Kudos: 82





	Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> This idea hit me and I jumped at the chance to write it out. I was super, super torn as to whether this was going to end up being mostly compliant and therefore an unhappy ending or divergent and able to be a happy ending. Divergent won out (barely). I am somewhat considering writing the compliant alternate ending for this one still. Not sure when/if that will happen though. We'll see. This is unbetaed so any mistakes or oddities you come across are absolutely my own.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!

“So that’s it, huh?” Sam asked, hurt and anger waring for top placement in his mind as he leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of him. “That’s how we’re gonna play this one? Just pretend nothing ever happened.”

“Sam,” Steve startled, scrambling to his feet from the edge of the bed where he had been seated, clearly lost in thought. “Hey--uh--what do you mean?”

“You’re leaving,” Sam said pointedly. “You barely say a word to me since you got us all back and you’re already planning on leaving. I had a feeling it was something like that as soon as I heard what the plan was. Barnes seems to be having the same suspicions. You’re leaving us.”

“Sam,” Steve started, wincing slightly. “It’s-it’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like, Steve?” Sam asked. “‘Cause it looks a hell of a lot like you’re bailing. You weren’t even gonna say a word, just disappear into this alternate timeline and start over.” Steve was quiet for a long moment, clearly weighing his words. Sam didn’t give him the opportunity to spit out whatever bullshit line he was about to toss. “Don’t even think about lyin’ to me, Steve. Don’t you think I at least deserve more than some half-assed excuse?”

“I’m not lying to you, Sam,” Steve said evenly, though still avoiding any chance of meeting Sam’s stare. He winced again but nodded hesitantly. “It’s crossed my mind. Going back.”

Despite insisting on hearing the truth, it threw Sam a little that his suspicions were right. A blow to the gut that he knew was coming but hadn’t braced for and for a long moment all he could do was stare. The words, spoken so plainly, brought Sam’s entire thought process to a screeching halt and his entire body tensed against the sudden onslaught of emotions that slammed through. Slowly, he nodded, turning his eyes away until he felt he had better control. He refused to let his emotions get the better of him. There would be time enough for that later. 

“That’s it then?” He finally managed to ask, slightly proud that his voice was as even as it was. “For us, I mean. You’re just...done? I mean, I was kinda getting that vibe with the way you’ve been avoiding me but kinda need to hear you say it, Steve.”

“Sam,” he sighed, running a weary hand over his face and through his hair. “Look, I haven’t decided, okay? I don’t know what I’m doing. I just want to be able to rest. To actually  _ live _ beyond the next fight, the next war _. _ I want to be able to stop losing every other goddamned year. I might actually be able to get that now.”

“You could have that here, if you took the chance. And what about the rest of us?” Sam argued. “And not just me, Steve. But Barnes? The Starks? The rest of your team? We're all still right  _ here.  _ We actually have the opportunity to see what this can be without the world coming to an end or having to run from it, and you’re looking to bail into the past at the first opportunity?” Sam blinked heavily, turning his head down to the floor and looking off to the side, fighting again against the urge to give into the hurt. He clung as hard as he could to the boiling anger and the laugh that escaped him held no actual humor or amusement. “Tells me a hell of a lot.”

“It’s not like that,” Steve insisted. “Between the team and you? What we had? That’s the only reason I made it as far and as long as I have.”

“What we had,” Sam echoed. “Huh. Right.”

“Sam, no, sweetheart--” Steve said urgently, moving toward Sam with hands automatically outstretched. He froze in place, eyes widening when Sam shook his head and took a step back.

“No,” Sam said with another humorless laugh. “No, you don’t get to ‘sweetheart’ me right now, Steve. Not...not now.”

Steve’s shoulders dropped as his hands fell to his side, head hanging and eyes squeezed closed. “That’s not how I meant it,” he insisted quietly. Slowly, he opened his eyes and raised them to meet Sam’s intently. “I swear that’s not how I meant it, Sam. I loved you and I still do. It’s been five years, though Sam.”

“Let’s not count the  _ four _ we had before that,” Sam said slightly sarcastically. 

“You’re not getting it,” Steve groaned in frustration.

“That’s ‘cause you’re not explaining a damned thing,” Sam countered irritably.

Steve sighed and turned away, tidying up the already clean room, “I missed the hell out of you Sam. Everyone that was taken, sure but I missed you. Growing up, Buck was always the one that knew me better than I knew myself. Knew my tells, knew when to call me on my bullshit and when to let it slide. He still knows some of that, to a point. But he knows the man,” he huffed a slight humorless laugh of his own and shook his head, “the  _ kid _ that I was. Those years with you? That’s all you now. You’re the one that knows me. I can’t tell you how much I missed that.”

“Then why?” Sam asked. “Why run, damnit Steve, I’m  _ right here. _ ”

He paused and dropped the pile of clothes into the hamper and was silent for a long moment, “Thought that maybe it was for the best.”

“The best for who?” Sam pressed. “Because if you really think that it’s the best thing for you? If this is what you really want, if  _ she’s _ really what you want, then I won’t say another word about it, I’ll walk away right now and leave you to it. But Steve,” he pushed off the doorframe and approached slowly until there was barely a foot of space between them. “If you’re thinking that you gotta go run and hide out in the past for the sake of the rest of us? Because of everything that went down these last few years? Then maybe you shouldn’t. Maybe you should think about staying.”

“I don’t want to fight anymore,” Steve admitted, not yet turning to meet Sam’s eyes. 

“Then don’t,” Sam shrugged. “You’ve been fighting a long ass time, there’s nothing wrong with deciding you’ve had enough. You can do that as easily here as you can there. Easier, probably.”

“And then what?” Steve asked, finally looking up.

“You see this through,” Sam said. “Get those stones back where they belong and then bring your ass home. Do what you can, and not a second more, to help get the world back in order and then step back.”

“The shield though…”

“Hang it up or pass it down,” Sam pointed out. 

“What are you going to do?” Steve asked, looking thoughtful.

“I didn’t get much past going where you go before I figured out you were leavin’,” Sam shrugged. “Might go back to the VA, stay on as Falcon when they need me. I don’t know where I stand on everything right now. Like you said, it’s been five years.”

“Sam, I--,” Steve cut himself off and sighed.

“Look, I don’t automatically expect us to pick up where we left off,” Sam frowned. “Sure, it’d be great because you’re right here in front of me and I miss you. But I know that’s not realistic. You’ve been through hell and that’s not going to go away just because we’re all suddenly back. So...I’ll follow your lead.” He paused a moment and then pushed forward, “If you’re still set on leaving, give me a heads up, though will you? I’d rather not stand there waiting for you to come back to me when you’re never going to. We can say our goodbyes now.”

Steve studied him intently for a long moment, not saying a word but for the first time since Sam had stepped through the portal and onto a battlefield, Steve actually  _ looked _ at him. His eyes scanning over his face like he used to do when the urge to draw struck. Like he had shyly done the first few months before they figured out that they could and should be so much more. It was a familiar look that Sam hadn’t forgotten but had definitely missed while Steve had been avoiding him. 

He was surprised, though maybe he shouldn’t have been, when Steve closed the small space between them and kissed him. It was tentative and gentle in the way Sam couldn’t remember them being in years, a reminder of how rough the last five had been on Steve. The hesitation didn’t last though, Steve’s hands settled at his waist and snaked around his back pulling until their bodies were flush. They didn’t stay, didn’t settle. Five long years of hurt and need made themselves known in the urgency of his wandering touch. 

Sam forced himself not to think about how it was the first time that Steve had willingly touched him since he came back. Shoved away the pressing thought that this was his heads up. That this was their goodbye. He knew it was though. Sam was too practical to think that he was persuasive enough to change Steve’s mind when it had already been made up even if he had insisted that it hadn’t been. If this was how they were going to go out though, Sam couldn’t do anything but give it his all. 

“God, I missed you,” Steve whispered against his lips later, words stuttered over a low groan.

“I’m right here, baby, right here,” Sam murmured, pulling back enough to be able to burn the sight into his memory. He was gorgeous like this, pressed against the sheets, thick legs bracketing Sam’s hips as he rocked deep. Broad chest heaving around another groan when Sam’s angle struck perfectly in the way he learned years ago. 

“Still love you,” Steve said shakily. “Never stopped, I swear.”

“Love you too,” Sam answered, ducking in for another kiss, partially out of desire to never stop and partially to silence the words that were entirely too painful for even the sweetest goodbye. He lifted his body enough to ease a hand between them, gripping and stroking Steve’s length in time with the slow but steady pace of his thrusts. 

Sam dragged it out as long as their bodies would allow, desperately wanting to cling as long as possible to what time he had left. But he was too emotionally raw and Steve neglected for far too long and they hit their peaks sooner than he had hoped. It was okay though, he acknowledged when heaving breaths and bruising grips gave way to slow, lingering kisses and gently stroking hands.

They curled together in silence, soaking up what they could of the intimacy of the moment that they hadn’t been entirely certain they would ever have again. Despite his best attempts, sleep took Sam sometime in the early morning hours and he jolted awake as Steve climbed out of bed, the room fully lit by the morning sun. 

“You can go back to sleep,” Steve said with a soft smile. “You don’t have to be up yet.”

“Nah,” Sam sighed, flinging the blanket off of him and getting to his feet. “I should be there.”

As he was digging through his bag, Steve approached from behind and wrapped arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his shoulder, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Sam chuckled.

“I love you, you know,” Steve said quietly.

Sam closed his eyes against the words, pushing back the urge to ask again that he stay. He had made his case already the night before. There wasn’t much more he could say or do. Steve was going to do whatever it was that Steve needed to do and that was that. Sam would just have to buckle down and do the same. It wouldn’t be the first time. 

“I love you too,” he managed to say.

“I need to catch up with Doctor Banner for the final briefing,” Steve sighed. “I’ll see you there? At the platform?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Sam agreed. It’s the least he could do. They had their goodbyes, Sam could at least see him off. There was still a part of him that was hoping that he might have gotten through but it grew smaller and smaller the closer they got to Steve leaving.

When he heard the door close, he sighed heavily giving himself permission to feel everything that he had locked down tight. It had been a long time since Sam had allowed himself to cry but in the relative privacy of the bedroom, he allowed himself to then. Just a few minutes to feel the break that started the moment he realized Steve was avoiding him and shattered entirely when it registered that this was it.

And then he pulled himself back together. He showered and dressed with his mind unpleasantly numb. It stayed that way as he gathered with everyone else around the platform, startling slightly at a brush against his shoulder. When he glanced up Barnes offered a sad, commiserating smile.

“I’m guessing that look means no luck?” He asked, though his tone and expression told Sam that he already knew the answer.

Sam shook his head and then shrugged, “He’s going to do what he needs to do.”

“Yeah,” Barnes gave a short, sharp laugh that, like Sam’s the previous night, was far more pain than humor. “Yeah, I figured.”

He held back as Steve and Barnes said their own version of goodbyes. He didn’t join them, there was no reason to and Barnes deserved his own moments with the man. Just for the few moments left, Sam clung to the numbness, forcefully pushing aside the hurt and the anger that still boiled beneath his skin, to meet Steve’s gaze evenly. 

“It’ll be okay, Buck,” Steve said, confidently. 

Barnes settled back beside Sam, close enough their shoulders brushed. They had a history of not getting along so well, Sam was big enough to admit his own role in it, but in that particular moment, the mutual support wasn’t something he was going to turn away from. He wasn’t the only one losing today.

And then Steve was gone. 

Sam dropped his gaze, rocking back on his heel at the finality, clapping his hand on Barnes’ shoulder when he exhaled shakily. Despite knowing better, they stayed put. Listening to Banner’s countdown and vainly hoping for what he knew to be the impossible. 

Suddenly, a hand was on his shoulder, gripping bruisingly tight. Sam frowned questioningly as he looked to his right but Barnes wasn’t looking at him. Didn’t even seem to realize that the metal fingers of his left hand were digging sharply into Sam’s shoulder. Sam blinked in confusion and followed Barnes’ wide eyed stare and suddenly he was gripping Barnes just as firmly.

He came back.

Steve took his time debriefing with Banner but all Sam could do, seemingly all either he or Barnes could do, was stand in stunned silence.

“He didn’t stay,” Barnes said quietly.

“Nope,” Sam muttered. “No, looks like he didn’t.”

“Didn’t know Steve was capable of changing his mind,” Barnes added with a stunned sort of humor.

“Not gonna knock it,” Sam answered.

“No, me either,” Barnes agreed.

“He’s going to make a big deal of this,” Sam pointed out, stealing a sideways glance at the other man.

“Don’t care,” Barnes admitted. “He’s here to make a big deal about it.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, blinking rapidly as the numbness he had been clinging to began to fade. He winced slightly when a heavy exhale jarred the digging grip in his shoulder. “You can let go now.”

“Right,” Barnes winced, pulling his fingers away. “Sorry.”

“Not my first rodeo with the whole forgotten-strength bruises but still,” Sam complained though there was no real heat to the words.

“I really don’t need to know what you and Steve get up to, Wilson,” Barnes glared ineffectually.

“Not my fault your mind went there,” Sam grinned. 

“Asshole,” Barnes grumbled.

Steve finally approached them slowly, an odd smile on his face as he watched them interact. 

Yeah, he was going to make a big deal about it. But when Steve tugged Barnes into a hug and then greeted him with a kiss, Sam was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be upset about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hello on [Tumblr](https://alwaysabrighterdarkness.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
